February 18, 2021
Last Saturday’s Student Activities Fair was a noisy event by any measure, prompting an email from President Kathy Murray. There were a few new faces at the fair, including a “Young Republicans Club” and the “Q-Club” or “Q-mmunity” for followers of the QAnon faith.
Murray appears to be relying on his dubious claim that the fascist mob invading the United States Capitol on January 6 were “anarchists.” In his last email, Murray extended that title to anyone remotely centrist, writing, “It is with great sadness and horror that I witnessed a swarm of GOP anarchists politely writing emails and give prudent investment advice at the business fair this February 6th..” She continued, “So-called ‘family values’, the laissez-faire economy, and suits with shoulder pads will never have a place on our campus.”
Jedidiah James Wilkerson IV, president of the Young Republicans, was angry when asked for comment. “Nonsense! We are a group of concerned citizens who are Romney-Republicans and Biden-Democrats.” He continued, “We believe in the preservation of our nation, probably more than anyone! We can’t imagine a future without it, or a present for that matter, my father would have been imprisoned three times had it not been for the presidential pardon! »
Murray’s email also welcomed the Q-club to campus, saying, “All faiths are welcome on our campus.” The Q-mmunity stand was empty as the event required masks to be worn. Their sign-up sheet consisted of an outdated 4-channel link and a post-it note that read, “First Meeting: Memorial Hall, Feb. 30and, wear a racist hat, favorite horns. No masks. -Q”
The Whitman Anarchist Club was unavailable for comment as they denounce ASWC’s traditional power structure, but expressed offense at President Murray’s ignorance of their ideology in a note issued by their unofficial liaison: a mohawk mallard in doc-martens.